terminally young and coming to grips with how little control I have. is this adulthood? spent today in a recognizable emotional cycle- began the day ebulliently, set to raze everything with productivity: then sorted through readings for class that day for the next like three fucking hours with great quizzicality and increasing frustration. Also struggled with wondering if i was doing much for price or if the rest was doing too little. Then went for class and sank deep into boredom and despair. Started to hate everyone a little bit when I didn’t get to call panel for next week’s readings even though I got to VJP before the last guy who asked for it, because I just stood there without speaking up and VJP didn’t get to me until I was last. Then went home and was non-communicative. Grimly got through more price readings and then in a fit of temper with the world went to read a heist novel for the entire evening.
Just this morning I was convinced that I knew my business, that I had it down- God, it’s infinitely changeable. even as I try and wrestle it it morphs in my arms. And that’s just myself, my emotions. I fooled myself into thinking it was simple for so very long but it’s not, I can’t take my eyes off it for a moment.