i think we’re overthinking it

I don’t know if I can even describe how important what El said to me this afternoon was. My face was hot and at times when I admitted to what I’ve been feeling the past two weeks tears were coming to my eyes, but her gaze was so level and kind I couldn’t look away. It’s hard to process and really analyse what she said and why she said it- the cynical part of me is like, she probably felt like you needed a pep talk seeing as you still get obviously scared at the podium; or alternatively it’s something she feels she has to do to build girls up, it’s hardly an uncommon problem that you have; but the other part of me is just, a dog jumping up and down wanting to be petted.

I dunno what this means for me now lol: I really do appreciate Elaine being straightforward and blunt, but if I get this pleased over compliments… It was SUCH a moodboost though. I do think that I see the moot differently now after having consulted both of them today. They have such differing perspectives and to some extent conflicting sometimes, but they were so clear about the moot being a kind of performance or dance that I’m even a little excited- right now anyway, I’ll be less so when I start re-working my outline in 2 minutes and realise how little I’m working with. but smiling like a motherfucker when someone’s pulling your case apart does something to screw your sense of humour up a little, I think. also, i’ve been talking a big game when judging other people’s rounds today but when i’m up there it’ll be a whole ‘nother story.

But honestly I do appreciate them so much. El is just so CARING, you can feel that she wants the best for you whatever she’s doing; and Elaine shows her care by matching whatever you put in, being there when you need help, unfailing. And whatever comes of this Saturday I think I’ve already gained what I came here to gain, in spades.

“Don’t live your life defending the smallest possible piece of land”- holy fucking shit, she sees right through me.

~

It was also really fun to just kick back and talk shit with other ilp people today. there were so many times i just died… gossiping… andrew and his cave… getting our elaine impression down…

“do you have any authority?”
“er I was gonna throw in Lotus at the end-”
“OH MY GOD”

“yy has two emotions: normal and louder”

“he likes to win on theoretical points so that he doesn’t need to proceed to the practical stuff… in a way it’s good practice la since he’s going to p*ter low”

“fresh air!!! … uh, fresh paint air”

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