stronger than my own doubt

I’ve been drinking tea for the past few nights in a bid to get just enough caffeine to see me through some work and let me crash at a semi-decent hour- the first ILP weekend, sugary coffee at 12 made me pretty productive but left me wide awake and vibrating a little at 5 when I was trying to get my mind quiet enough to nap a bit before moots. the leaf water isn’t going TOO great, but at the very least its hot water with a nice smell, so.

just came from a two hour hth with my brother; they always seem to happen at night when we’re the only two ones around. i’m constantly struck by how little people truly know of each other; it’s just so easy to reduce people to single attributes in your mind. you always remember people as how they are to you- the complexity of a human being is too much to hold in your mind at once, I think. it’s not even about what’s happening in his life currently but like his past experiences that i’m only just hearing of now: at one point talking about an old crush and how little he knew of relationships then he grinned and said, ‘I feel like dying,  this must be love’. I smiled, but my heart ached a little- my easygoing, laughing brother? struggling with emotions he felt he couldn’t show? we’re all so much more similar than we think.

so if there’s one mistake I always make regarding friendships is that I keep doing the same thing and hoping for different results when nothing’s changed. but I don’t know if this is what friendship is: keeping your hand out without expectation. I think maybe a conversation is past due.

god knows I’m proud of little this week, but I’m glad that I made time for people amidst all the panic and upset. I’m always going to struggle with whether that instinct is self-care or just procrastination- some kind of self-sabotage or manifestation of avoidance- but right now I’m glad I did.


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