why can i not conquer love

a) just vocalising it to my sister made me realise what an asshole i’ve been, but unfortunately that doesn’t make the feelings go away, just re-directs my anger inwards. how do i even begin to explain this sensitivity to exclusion… a few months ago i was planning to write a post about how nice it was to be years-deep into friendship, how all the petty drama and conflict just falls away- so much for that. it was a stupid thought anyway. people remain people and old issues don’t go away just because you ignore them. the awful thing is that I have no idea if there really is still a problem or if my insecurities are just making everything terrible and ascribing ulterior motives when there are none.

eta: 21 but feel like i’ve been sent back to kindergarten with this shit. the thing is!! i have talked to you about this in relation to other people before!! i’m sure you know that it’s not a great thing to do!!!!!!! i don’t know whats happening anymore…………

b) nearing the end of the night the last time i met my sc group, they started asking me if there were any boys in my life. i was at a complete loss of words for the first few minutes. i mean, after the immediate and automatic ‘no’, how could i explain it further? should I have? I would have thought it went without saying. didn’t they know how incredibly unlikely it is? how it wasn’t a priority or even a consideration for me? that i’m completely prepared for that to be the normal state of affairs?

but weirdly enough i didn’t hate it, and just went on to talk about eyecandy and shit. in that moment i think i realised what a thin line there is between inclusion and exclusion. how sometimes, in wanting to be sensitive and avoid topics that you think are touchy, in so doing you reinforce the perception that they shouldn’t talk about it and that they can’t talk to you about it. pretending everything is normal makes it easy only for the other person- which is why i was so taken aback when samuel was so willing to talk about his father to me when i offered consolation. i mean, of course take the cue from the other person, but it gets so tiring sometimes to have conversations that ignore so much about your identity or your worldview or whatever.

i think i’m only just realising that constantly pretending to hold views that i don’t and in so doing representing that i’m this whole other person is just encouraging me to dissociate. on thursday they asked us to do the stupid ‘tell us something interesting about yourself’ introduction thing and i was just thinking, why not lie through your teeth and say something that isn’t real? you’re not this person anyway. you’re not a person that can be here like this. if you’re going to fake it, might as well be thorough about it.

c) need so much to be around people that i trust myself to be around, i’m so fucking disconsolate lately. one thing that constantly disappoints me about being of adult age is that i’m no less able to control my emotions than i ever was.

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be conscious/ of who draws you and who not.

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three conversations:

brother: were you disappointed
because you thought your friendship was stronger than that

~

darrelle: cynthia is probably way way way diff than she was in sc
but i still view her as the same person so its weird

~

ruth: so i guess what im saying is, before it even begins, dont be too bogged down by all these things
you gotta take it in your stride
and its gonna really toughen you up

me: yeah!! sometimes i think it’s just that i feel ill suited for the environment

ruth: i think you are too
you should probably be doing something creative
but you’ll find your way

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