trying to be practical about resolutions this year: focusing on things I could actually get myself to do and that I might make demonstrable progress towards instead of, like, ‘stop procrastinating’- the timeliness of this post tells you as much about how committed i am to that goal, though i have been thinking about writing this ever since the year pushed over, probably. or ‘try harder’, which was last year’s resolution. still have no idea whether i achieved that or not: i’m leaning towards no, because i don’t think i felt the satisfaction that you get after working really hard at something and getting the result you wanted, only a curious sense of deflation in its place. i’m still wondering if that should be considered a conclusive sign of working hard, but that’s probably just me trying to rationalise my lack of effort. still though, i need to start focusing on other parts of my life that isn’t school. feel like i’ve been using school as a reason to justify not working on being a better person for way too long. life is larger than that; as should be my attention span.
1. cook more, at least one meal a week. that means conception, prep and execution- coming in 15 minutes before dinner to help mom stir-fry vegetables doesn’t count. extra points if it’s something new. as an absolute last resort, breakfast counts.
2. be more careful about other people’s feelings. talk in the car in the morning because you know mom feels uncomfortable and bored when it’s silent. tell her more about school and your life because she worries. mediate disputes or at least help to change the topic if you don’t want to get in the middle of it. ask everyone more questions. really want to hear the answer. stop thinking of and then dropping conversational threads because the moment has passed or you’re afraid to say it. it really doesn’t matter that much. if someone texts to talk don’t blow them off. send letters and do nice things for friends who are struggling. it doesn’t have to cure anything. it just has to remind them that you’re on their side. let ying jun tell you about whatever the fuck she wants and put on an interested face as she does it. it won’t fucking kill you. she’s twelve!! so many people are going to ignore what she has to say in the future. don’t be one of the first. those hurt the most. don’t let her become you. that’s the entire point of being older than anyone.
3. you KNOW what’s wrong with parasocial relationships. get past them. stop imagining what people you’ll never know are like and go talk to people that you actually could.
4. be more respectful. be more appreciative. greet people who are there in the room before you, don’t wait to be noticed. thank people for the work they do. leave comments on stuff you like.
5. write more. you end up considering more, processing more, and having more to look back on and think ‘wow, i wasn’t actually as stupid as i remember being when i was __.’
6. talk more to the people around you. find more things to talk to them about. consciously articulate your feelings more. it doesn’t necessarily have to be an exercise in self-involvedness- it can invite and encourage them to talk, because you’ve revealed yourself first. if you want people to share themselves with you, you have to share yourself as well. or alternatively: get better at recognising what those around you want from you.
7. be better than passive aggression and moodiness. let people know what’s going on and they’ll be so much more understanding about it.