bricks of carelessness

it’s strange to say that I’m thankful when I have no faith, but what else do you say when you know that fortune has come to you not because of your own efforts? even saying that it is fortune sounds odd- ultimately it is what it is, and it says nothing about my future or what kind of person that I am. Holding that in mind, and balancing it with a directionless, half-formed gratitude- I move forward. Slowly but maybe gaining surety with each step.

feelings update: not terrible

so in pretending you don’t feel a particular way you can actually psych yourself out of feeling it… you can really fake it till you make it. question is, how do i fake myself out of my current personality?

ngl though, seeing an*nd nodding when the mentor said he thought i had mooting experience was really all the validation i needed for the day. i always ALWAYS forget how good it feels when someone i respect recognises that i’ve done something well

why can i not conquer love

a) just vocalising it to my sister made me realise what an asshole i’ve been, but unfortunately that doesn’t make the feelings go away, just re-directs my anger inwards. how do i even begin to explain this sensitivity to exclusion… a few months ago i was planning to write a post about how nice it was to be years-deep into friendship, how all the petty drama and conflict just falls away- so much for that. it was a stupid thought anyway. people remain people and old issues don’t go away just because you ignore them. the awful thing is that I have no idea if there really is still a problem or if my insecurities are just making everything terrible and ascribing ulterior motives when there are none.

eta: 21 but feel like i’ve been sent back to kindergarten with this shit. the thing is!! i have talked to you about this in relation to other people before!! i’m sure you know that it’s not a great thing to do!!!!!!! i don’t know whats happening anymore…………

b) nearing the end of the night the last time i met my sc group, they started asking me if there were any boys in my life. i was at a complete loss of words for the first few minutes. i mean, after the immediate and automatic ‘no’, how could i explain it further? should I have? I would have thought it went without saying. didn’t they know how incredibly unlikely it is? how it wasn’t a priority or even a consideration for me? that i’m completely prepared for that to be the normal state of affairs?

but weirdly enough i didn’t hate it, and just went on to talk about eyecandy and shit. in that moment i think i realised what a thin line there is between inclusion and exclusion. how sometimes, in wanting to be sensitive and avoid topics that you think are touchy, in so doing you reinforce the perception that they shouldn’t talk about it and that they can’t talk to you about it. pretending everything is normal makes it easy only for the other person- which is why i was so taken aback when samuel was so willing to talk about his father to me when i offered consolation. i mean, of course take the cue from the other person, but it gets so tiring sometimes to have conversations that ignore so much about your identity or your worldview or whatever.

i think i’m only just realising that constantly pretending to hold views that i don’t and in so doing representing that i’m this whole other person is just encouraging me to dissociate. on thursday they asked us to do the stupid ‘tell us something interesting about yourself’ introduction thing and i was just thinking, why not lie through your teeth and say something that isn’t real? you’re not this person anyway. you’re not a person that can be here like this. if you’re going to fake it, might as well be thorough about it.

c) need so much to be around people that i trust myself to be around, i’m so fucking disconsolate lately. one thing that constantly disappoints me about being of adult age is that i’m no less able to control my emotions than i ever was.

be conscious/ of who draws you and who not.


three conversations:

brother: were you disappointed
because you thought your friendship was stronger than that


darrelle: cynthia is probably way way way diff than she was in sc
but i still view her as the same person so its weird


ruth: so i guess what im saying is, before it even begins, dont be too bogged down by all these things
you gotta take it in your stride
and its gonna really toughen you up

me: yeah!! sometimes i think it’s just that i feel ill suited for the environment

ruth: i think you are too
you should probably be doing something creative
but you’ll find your way


negotiation: the irony

feel absolutely soul-sick and tired these last two days. sat in CR3-4 on friday for almost six hours and even the bright orange chairs and a good swivel or two couldn’t cheer me up because I was just so numb with apathy and incredulousness. I don’t want to go into detail about it because I’m so done with talking about it and giving it any more of my time than I already do, but I might actually wish I had lazy groupmate problems again instead of all this drama and utter shite. And it just terrifies me, honestly, the complete futility involved in like, not knowing if this guy is going around behind our backs and fucking us, or in just absolutely not being able to move a person when they refuse to be moved. I went to dinner with my sister yesterday straight from the meeting and got angry about it; came home and mentioned it to my mom when she called to ask how our days had been from Malaysia and got inexplicably teary about it; curled up on the couch after and called Doro to ask for a clear-eyed view; lay down and called Amanda after for commiseration and soft-voiced despair. and it was so good- I had a plan, organised options and I knew how exactly I was moving ahead.

and today was looking better until an accusation came via text and I had to negotiate between two people for two fucking hours, one of which does not know how to talk to people properly and the other who refused to talk directly to him. and then right after I got grudging agreement from them and am looking grimly upon the struggle that the following week is gonna be because of all the bad blood at this rate, my mom calls and asks why I can’t be a better fucking daughter. she had a valid point but i still could barely talk to her after it because it just came at such a terrible time, and just reinforced how fucking futile everything is. passed the phone on to my sister quickly after that but then she had to hang up soon after to hold me while i sobbed into my hands.

I’m trying my hardest and I have so little to show for it. what the fuck is the point? of anything?